Food For Thought


CRE Mary Jo Schumin and hubby Bruce. Hmmm, wonder who's the real chef?

My father was recently diagnosed with a rare case of H.E.S. When he asked his doctor what H.E.S. was, the doctor stated "H.E.S. is a combination of Hepatitis, E-Coli, and Salmonella. We're going to admit you to the hospital and put you on a strict diet of Fried Flounder, Pizza, and Pancakes." When asked what was so special about those foods, the doctor replied, "Those are the only foods that will slide under the door."
In the 1970's my Uncle Nick spent his life's savings to purchase a Cheese Store in Sicily. He was still short of funds, had to apply for a Provelone. By the way, how do you know when provelone goes bad? It smells good?
Growing up in the '60's I always admired the Milkman and wanted to be one when I grew up. But I didn't have enough money to go to Dairy College--I lactaid. So I ended up with a great job working for Minute Maid. I lost it though. Just couldn't concentrate.
A dining testimony from a happily married parishioner:
I'm so glad I finally got married. The process of dining out was inconvenient, unpredictable, and of course expensive. What, me cheap? Well, I will admit to backing into the bridge toll booths so she'd pay our way into Philly, but the meals and service were always "mystery theatre", as follows:
I take her to this fine French restaurant and the waiter immediately tries to sell us on the special of the day, Escargot. I politely said no, we like fast food... So he ends up serving us Steak Diane. I asked if it was tender. He replied, "Well, if it's not, tough." I couldn't even chew it and sternly told the waiter that this food wasn't fit for a pig. He said, "Excuse me sir, I'll get you some that is." So we filled up on our Baked Potatoes, then figured we'd order coffee. This was incredibly strong, I said "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud." He replied, "That's cause it's fresh ground." Then I ask for two cups of Tea, I mean, how can you ruin Tea? Guess what...I told the waiter "This tea tastes like coffee!". He replied, "I'm sorry, I must have given you Hot Chocolate by mistake." So then I ordered a large Canoli, he brings me two, I tell him "These are too big, I Canoli eat one." Haven't been to a restaurant since. Then there's my wife's cooking, but that's altogether another episode of Mystery Theater, FOR ALOT LESS MONEY THOUGH... My wife claims that I've been a little too NOSY lately. Ridiculous! At least that's what she's been writing in her diary...Last summer her Master Card was stolen. I didn't report it for three months. Turns out the guy that stole it was spending half as much. I saved hundreds of dollars that summer.